Death of a Mercenary: Act 1 - Scene 3


ACT I- SCENE 3


LA TASCA CLUB -- 30 MINUTES LATER

SEAN (26) enters the club. He is dressed in white pants, white leather slip-ons, and a blazing flower print shirt, opened at the chest exposing a huge gold medallion. From the entrance he moves up to the steps, quickly surveys the place, takes a deep breath, and spreads his arms wide in salutation.

SEAN
(at the crowd)

My peoples*! I have arrived! (to an offstage disk jockey) Joaquín, hit me!

_____________________

* Editor's note: Yes, he says: -“peoples” and “likes”. This is not a typo!


SEAN strikes the famous John Travolta pose from ‘Saturday Night Fever’ and the movie’s theme song begins to play. The delighted crowd erupts in laughter, applause and cheers of “Viva Sean!” Displaying great showmanship, Sean descends the stairs shaking hands and kissing pretty girls on the cheek as he makes his way toward the bar.

JULIO walks over and greets him enthusiastically with a hug and kisses.

When SEAN gets to the bar, he strikes the John Travolta pose once more and makes a funny expression. HELENA and JIM stare at him in stunned amazement.


SEAN
(holding the pose)

You likes? Muy macho, eh? Does this say tourist or what!


JIM and HELENA explode in laughter.

SEAN
(snobbish tone)

Peasants! (then at Julio, already behind the bar) Julio, serve me something to match my outfit!


HELENA
(hugging sean)

Sean, you are what I call a living fashion statement!

JIM
(mutters)

He is what I call one crazy motherfucker!

SEAN
(as he sits himself on a stool)

Jim, you always have a way with words -you dog-breath, half-breed, scum-sucking bastard.

JIM
(with an amused look)

Why thank you, Sean. I learned it all from you.

JULIO places a huge ‘margarita’ in front of Sean.

SEAN
(raising the glass in salute)

You are more than welcome. Plenty more where that came from. (tasting the drink and making an expression of delight) Aaaah! (raising the glass towards an expectant Julio) Mucho fine fucking-tastic!


Delighted with such high praise, JULIO walks away all smiles.

SEAN
(at Jim and Helena)

Becoming a partner in this club has to be the best investment of my life!

HELENA
(in complete bewilderment)

Sean, what has come over you? You have been in mourning for over a month and all of a sudden this complete change?

SEAN

Wait until I tell you guys what happened.

JIM
(giving Helena a conspiratorial look)

This is going to be good.

HELENA
(excited)

Well, tell us!

SEAN

Woman, hold your horses! (drinks and puts the glass down) Okay. You know how destroyed I was when I hear the news that Elvis died -God rest his soul!

HELENA
(deeply “affected”)

It was a shocker!

JIM
(playing along)

A lost to the world!

SEAN
(overcomed by emotion)

A goddamn conspiracy by those fucking communist and liberal democrats!

JIM
(consoling him)

Sean! Take it easy! (then) We are with you.

SEAN

Sorry guys. Sometimes it just comes out. (raising his glass) Here’s to The King! (they toast “TO ELVIS!”, then) Well, there I was, mourning the loss of the greatest American hero that ever lived, locked inside my room, drinking like a stinking camel, and threatening to shoot whoever tried to come through that door. And no one dared until Agustin, who’d been asking me for days to come out, finally lost his patience -and you know what a sonofabitch he can be at times.

HELENA
(nodding in agreement)

An insensitive bastard!

JIM
mimics)

Oh, absolutely!

SEAN
(continues)

So he comes by, and showing no respect for private property, breaks down the door. I wanted to shoot him but, being so wasted, I couldn’t get off the floor. So he gets some people to help him and before I know it, I’m staying at his place sobering up and getting cleaned. You know, that man is a saint!

HELENA
(sarcastic)

Oh yes! A real Samaritan!

JIM
(agreeing)

A fucking boy scout!

SEAN

But that’s only half of the story. (then) Agustin thought it would be good for me to go to church and light a candle for Elvis, and -what the hell, maybe say a prayer. I told him he was fucking crazy and there was no goddamn way I was going to set foot in church -much less pray! Actually, considering that Agustin is an atheist, the whole thing was pretty bizarre. I mean, not that I’m not a believer; I just don’t do religion.

JIM
(becoming intrigued)

So, did you go?

SEAN

Yes I did. Mind you, only to make Agustin feel better and so he would shut the fuck up. Besides, we were talking about Elvis here and the idea began to gain some merit. Anyway, there I was inside the church, lighting a candle in one of the chapels and trying to say a prayer with no four-letter words -I have my fear of God, you know.

JIM
(aside to Helena)

I would have paid to hear that!

HELENA

That qualifies as a miracle!

SEAN

Now grab a hold of something because you aren’t going to believe what happened next. So there I was, making a prayer, and when I opened my eyes I saw the most beautiful creature I had ever seen!

HELENA
(crossing herself)

¡Ave María Purísima! The Virgin Mary?

SEAN

No, but close.

JIM
(really falling for it)

Elvis!?

SEAN
(frowning in dismay)

No, not Elvis!

HELENA
(unable to hold the excitement)

Well, God damn it, tell us! Who did you see?

SEAN
(with great solemnity)

I saw the woman of my dreams! (sighs)

JIM and HELENA do a double take and stare at Sean in disbelief.


JIM
(aside to Helena)

Did he say… a woman?


HELENA

I think that’s what I heard.

SEAN

But not just any woman, but my prototype of the perfect woman!

JIM
(mutters)

Here we go.

SEAN

She had beautiful golden skin and long dark hair made into a braid that reached past her ass. Gorgeous hazel eyes with long sexy lashes and pearly white teeth, so perfect, they had to come from a dentist’s office. Her chest… firm, round, immense! And a body with so many curves I almost crashed!

JIM
(commenting to Helena)

No one looks that good. I think he must have fallen asleep. It happens to me all the time when I’m in church.

SEAN

Satan! Let me finish. It gets better. (then) Where was I…?

HELENA

You were about to have an orgasm in church.

SEAN

I was about to have… (he stops catching on to Helena’s sarcasm and gives her a look, then) As I was saying, I see this heavenly creature and all I could think was, -I have to have her!

HELENA
(disgusted)

You pig!

SEAN
(defensive)

Hey! I was in love.

HELENA

That’s what they all say.

JIM

Pray continue.

SEAN
(continues)

So I followed this goddess to find out all I could about her -after all, my middle name is Sherlock. Soon I knew that she was the daughter of an important rancher, who I will not mention to protect her identity, and was staying in the city while her old man checked into a hospital -heart problem. So everyday I kept visiting the church and lighting candles just to get to know her, which I did on a friendly basis. But my Spanish was not good enough for me to get past the door. So I asked Agustin for a little help and he wrote some verses for me to give to her.

HELENA
(shades of jealousy)

Oh, did he?

SEAN

You know, the man is a poet. A true artist!

JIM
(aside to Helena)

-A con artist.

SEAN

Well, I don’t know what he was lacing those poems with, but it worked! Before I knew it, she started giving me all the right signals and finally, last night, she invited me to stop by her house so that we could be alone -if you know what I mean. So following her "in"structions, I went to the house and found the front door opened. That was part of the plan. Knowing that her father was not going to be home, I went upstairs to where her room was and knocked on her door announcing myself. I heard her sweet voice from the other side telling me to come in, and when I did, I almost came in my pants! Waoh, I’m hot! Someone get me a drink!

HELENA
(excited and aroused)

Oh, fuck the drink! Don’t stop now!

JULIO, who’s been listening, places a glass of beer on the counter and stays close-by cleaning another glass.

JIM
(handing over the beer)

Here! Now, give us details!

SEAN
(after taking a drink)

So, here I was, with my mouth wide opened and my jaw hitting the first floor, and there she was, lying on the bed, leaning on some pillows; her hair loose and her body naked from head to toe. I just stood there, speechless; my heartbeat rocking the room. She looks at me and smiles seductively. I mean, this was better than a fantasy.

JULIO
(excited anticipation)

So what you do?

They all turn and give him a reprimanding look and Julio answers with an “I’m sorry” one.

SEAN
(continues)

For a while I just froze. Mind you, I knew what I had to do, I just didn’t know where to start. Finally, I stripped without taking my eyes from her and approach the bed. When she noticed the size of my erection, she gave out a little cry and I smile. She was ready; I was born ready! Then, just when I was about to make my country proud, I heard a noise behind me.

JIM

Oh, oh…

SEAN

Make that a big fucking “oh, oh”! I was going to ignore the noise when I noticed the expression of horror on her eyes. So I turned to look and, standing in the doorway, his jaw hitting the basement, was the girl’s father.

HELENA, JIM, and JULIO break into laughter.

SEAN
(slightly annoyed)

Oh, you think this is funny, eh? Wait until you hear the rest. You are going to piss in you pants.

HELENA
(wiping a tear)

We’re sorry, Sean. Please go on.

SEAN
(continues)

Well, for a while, no one said anything. We just kept staring at each other, just like in a fucking movie. She stared at me and then at him. He stared at her and then at my pecker! I stared at her and when I turned to him, he was holding one of those fucking machetes people around here are so fond of! I still can’t figure out where the fuck he got it from.

HELENA
(gasping, she grabs his arm)

¡Ay Dios mío! What did you do?

SEAN

What any true blooded Republican-American would do: I looked at the machete, then I looked at my pecker! Then I looked at her, and I looked back at my pecker, and something inside of me said (screams) -“holy shit!” Before I knew what happened, the old man comes rushing at me swinging his machete. The girl screamed something that sounded like -“run, motherfucker!” So I ran around the bed and he ran after me screaming words that are not in the dictionary. Lucky for me, the room was dark and he tripped on something and landed his ass on the floor. That was enough for me to pick up my clothes and hustle buns out the room and down the stairs. Now, you’re not going to believe this, I can hardly believe it myself, I mean, you had to be there to see it. While all this shit was happening, I am still keeping one hell of an erection! So as I was running down the steps, all you could hear was -bing-bang, bing-bang, bing-bang, as my pecker bounced around.

JIM
(howling in tears)

Sean, thank God for ‘small’ favors, you got to keep your pecker! Maybe next time you might get to keep the girl.

SEAN smiles ruefully and curls the ends of his mustache.

SEAN

And who said I didn’t get the girl?

HELENA
(in amazement)

You did? You sonofabitch!

JIM

Well? Are you going to tell us or what?

SEAN
(continues)

Okay. When I ran out of the room and down the stairs, I didn’t have any clothes on. So instead of running out of the house, I hid behind the sofa. Since the lights were off and the room was very dark, the old man ran past me and kept on going. I could still hear him screaming as he ran down the street. I was about to put my pants on when I saw that my pecker was still standing like a flagpole. I took this as a sign from God! I mean, staying hard after all that shit I went through had to be a miracle. So, I took a deep breath, and humming the Stars and Stripes, I went right up those stairs.

JIM
(incredulous)

You crazy gringo motherfucker!

SEAN

Since I am a gentleman, I will spare you the graphic details of the night’s performance. All you have to know is that I scored a big one for my country.

HELENA

I can’t believe you did that! Did you think about the old man coming back to the house?

SEAN

Oh, I forgot to tell you. I later found out that the minute he started running down the streets, he had a stroke and the neighbors rushed him to the hospital. But don’t worry. The old fart is a stubborn one and last I’ve heard my potential father-in-law was doing just fine.

HELENA
(shaking her head)

Sean, that is one of the most amazing stories I have ever heard. It would make one hell of a movie.

SEAN

Well, actually, I already thought about it, I mean, can you see Gene Wilder playing my part?

JIM

More like Benny Hill. Who do you have in mind to play the girl?

SEAN

Only one woman in the world can play that part, -Sacha Montenegro!

JIM
(skeptical)

You’re putting me on! (pointing at a poster of Sacha displayed on the wall) Does this girl look like Sacha Montenegro?

SEAN

They could be twins.

JIM
(thinking aloud)

Damn! Even I would sleep with Sacha!

HELENA
(at Sean)

Now that I’d pay to see!

SEAN
(feeling deflated)

Oh, what the fuck. Let’s stop dreaming. I asked Agustin, him being an artist and all, what he thought about putting my life experience on paper, but he said that no one would believe it.

HELENA

He’s got a point there. It’s pretty hard to take. (She turns to Jim who “dies” when she holds her thumb and finger half inch apart as lips read, “small dick”, then turning to Sean) Ay mi vida [oh my darling], you better slow down from now on and stay away from women. You already have enough excitement in your life and I want you to be around for a long, long time. Okay?

SEAN

Thank you querida. Knowing that you care brings tears to my eyes.

JIM

Sean, I think your comeback deserves a toast. (then) Julio!

SEAN

Now you’re talking!

JULIO refills their glasses.

JIM
(raising a glass)

-To Sean, a good friend and a man of action!

HELENA

-To Bullshit!

SEAN

-And to one hell of a big shovel. Bottoms up!

They drink the toast and simultaneously land their glasses on the counter.



END OF ACT I - SCENE 3




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